The Demons in My head

So I got home from vacation, and even though I absolutely loved it, I had a hard time with healthy eating. It was so hard when we were eating out all time. I came home feeling defeated because when I stepped on my home scale I knew I had gained weight, despite all of my efforts to try and keep it off. I was frustrated and angry.

And so it began. All of the voices telling me that I am nothing. I am not able to lose weight and keep it off. I can’t even go on vacation for a measly ten days without gaining, how can I ever keep it off for a year, or two years, or the rest of my life even. I heard things like, I am a failure. I am ugly. I am a terrible wife and mother. I will never be a runner, or an athlete. And I certainly will never be able to teach others Zumba. I am nothing.

I felt the weight of great defeat on my shoulders. And I didn’t know what I was going to do about it. Well, on Suday night Laura sent out an email that some of her family members were feeling a bit under the weather and that we were welcome to work out in the gym, she just wouldn’t be joining us Monday. Great, now the one day I needed to kick the crap out of something Iw asn’t going to be able too. Again, the voices in my head…see you are nothing.

Well, I didn’t really want to go and see anyone at the gym even though I knew my faithful crew of girls would be there waiting. And I knew that they would help me kick the crap out of something, but internally I felt the need to run. not away from anything, but I needed to feel the ground beneath my feet as I pounded down on it. I wanted to run as hard as I could.

You know in those movies where there is a running scene… and the girl runs and runs until she cries her eyes outa dn falls over from pain and anguish… yeah, it was kinda like that for me. Only not. I wanted to run and run and feel the greatness within me. And I had no idea if I was even able too (see those failure voices were everywhere)

So on Monday morning I got up and decided to run. To run for my life. To run because I was NOT a runner. To run to say that I CAN run! I put on my ipod,  and away I went.

I had a 5k run already mapped out that had been calling me. But I have never attempted it. I have not even walked it, because it is a LONG way. 3.1 miles to be exact (yes, a 5k). And even though I knew my body could walk that far, I wanted to run as far and as much of it that I could. So I started. And after I warmed up, I put my legs into motion and started running. I was running three and four blocks with just a block break in between.

At first it seemed easy. But after the first mile, maybe not even quite that far, my lungs started burning. And then a song came on my ipod that explained everything completely. And it made such clear sense to me.

I am going to post the lyrics here before I go any further. now, don’t chide me because it is a Miley Cyrus song ( I have a teenage son who loves her, and its my new favorite song.)

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there’s a voice inside my head saying
“You’ll never reach it”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

‘Cause there’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody’s gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It’s all about, it’s all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

So there I am, listening to this song realizing that it is me that is singing that song. That its MY SONG. My life. This is my defining moment that is about whether or not I push on or not. And I chose to push on! So I was singing this song at the top of my lungs, and then I would run and run. I was yelling the words I CAN I CAN I CAN, and i am sure I looked like a lunatic. And then I hit the halfway mark.

At that point all I wanted to do was lay down. But what could I do, keep running. I had a cramp in my side and my lungs were well past burning. I thought seriously about just stopping and just walking the rest of the way back. That is when I started to negotiate with my body to fight through all of the pain. I knew I could finish it. It was my race and I was going to WIN it!

At mile mark 2 1/2 I felt like I was in bad shape. I was sweating terribly, my legs hurt every time I picked up the pace and there was a huge hill in front of me. And I had to go up it! I just put my head down and pushed and pushed hard. I wasn’t able to run up the whole hill, but I ran part way, and then walked fast the rest of the way. And then I ran down the gradual slope on the other side!

I got home and looked at my watch. I ran 3.1 miles (almost 3.2) in 46 minutes! 46 minutes!!! That is a solid 15 minute mile. yeah, yeah. I know that is no great feat for some people. Especially for a woman my age, the average time clocks in at about 26 minutes. But I an SOOOO happy about my time. I had just wanted to get in at an hour.

It is so amazing about who I am and where I have come from. 16 weeks ago I could barely walk a mile. I hurt all the time. I didn’t like yucky vegetables. I wasn’t able to play with my kids. I COULD NOT ride a roller coaster. I felt useless and I didn’t care about my own body.

NOW I am able to do all of those things and SO MUCH MORE!! I have my life back! And I am able to “run” a 5k. I put that in quotes because I am not quite there to fully running the entire time. But I do plan to get there. I still want to run at least one 5k for charity this summer, and I would love to do a triatholon too! We’ll see. Because for me, there is always going to be another mountain that I need to climb!

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