Coach Laura her…

Coach Laura here!  Many of you know that in 2009 I lost 60 pounds.  As the head trainer at Fit Wit Me, I feel like clients think I have it all “figured out”.  I am posting this journal entry to let them know that struggling doesn’t just stop because my pants are now a size 8.  It is a struggle even to post this entry.  As you read it remember I am not schizophrenic, or have multiple personalities.  I am simply talking to my own doubts, fears, and the limitations that live inside me.  This letter is addressed to old me, the one from 2008-2009 that wore a plastic smile and convinced herself that she would buy 3 donuts . . but just eat one of them, I don’t know which I want after all . . knowing full well she would eat all 3.  She was unhappy, but there was a spark, the smallest flame of belief, that she could be more. 

I look into so many of your eyes and see that small flame.  So will let you see what happened on my journey and what is still going on in my head.  Eeeek!  Scary!

“Dear Old Me
I am not sure how to start this letter.  I have a mixture of emotions regarding you including love, hate, sadness, hurt, resentment.  It just hurts me so much that you were unhappy for so many years, and did nothing about it.  I know that you eventually did, and you were the one that started the process allowing me to change and have all that exists now, and for that I am grateful.  I just don’t understand how you could live in the state you did.  Resentful, less than ambitious, self loathing, self destructive.  What went wrong?  It scares me so much that you were there, because if it happened once, it could happen again, my biggest fear.  I will not give up my life, my happiness, my dreams without a fight.  And that is my problem! 
I have learned that what you resist persists.  I am in total resistance to being you, but you were me.  So this will become my letter of gratitude.  Thank you for believing enough and following your gut on Klemmer and Associates; that set us on the journey.  Thank you for coming home and working your butt off at a sucky job, crying yourself to sleep at night, out of loneliness and fear.  Thank you for getting up early and going through the motions, until things got better.  Thank you for hanging on to your relationship, even when both of you were pushing away.  Thank you for letting Jesse have the summer of his life, camping and visiting and playing while you put in the work and time necessarily to turn things around.  I know that broke your heart!  Thanks for not drinking the whole time!  I understand your depression was deep just then, but you didn’t turn to alcohol or drugs to make it better.  That was when you started taking care of you.  Thank you for no longer ignoring the voices in your head.  You acknowledged the negativity looked it in the eyes and said, “You are WRONG; and I am STRONG” 
That was the first step to everything.  You saw that you needed help and did have the skills to do it yourself; so you found coaches, trainers, mentors.  You learned to trust yourself, to believe you could do more.  Together we studied and past our test as a personal trainer, but then realized how little we knew.  But you knew anything you wanted was possible, so you asked, and received more help.  We found the systems to make more, create more, and then started working it. 
We have done a lot together over the past 18 months.  But it now time for us to go our separate ways.  It is not that I don’t appreciate what you have done, it is just that I have changed, grown strong and need to lead a different way.  Just enough, isn’t enough anymore.  My desires for a full happy, balance life of giving must be followed.  I feel like you still question whether that is possible.  That is too stressful to me, it tethers me to my past and closes all opportunity for the future.  You faced situations with stoic, unmovable strength.  I choose to face the upcoming challenges with relaxed, faithful, focus.  Remember the song “The River”? 

You always knew this was a song that resonated.  I now know this is a song that I can live.  This is the experiences I have had in my life when you were not whispering in my ear and choosing to “be strong” in stead of being flexible and peaceful.  That is where my power is.  Strength and grit got us started, but only surrender will take us all the way to greatness. 

So what I am asking is:  Please allow me to take over.  Please allow me to shine on and do this the way I know how.  I appreciated your role in the past, but now it no longer serves me.  Please stop fighting!  A seed planted in the ground in fall, must fight all winter the cold and dry environment.  Only when it stops fighting, can it allow moisture (love) in and generate that spark of energy to create something beautiful.  I no longer need your version of strength, for I have found my own.  Mine will turn into a great foundation of roots, a strong trunk of power and leafs like hands of giving that will reach all the way to heaven itself.  I will stand strong and relaxed against any storm, and through Gods give of light and life I will become stronger each day. 

When you first started this and struggle with the question of who you were you became the rock, with cold stoic strength that you felt you had to portrait.  I now choose to adopt a life course and different scripture as my reference.  Ps 1: 1-3 says:
“Happy is the man that has not walked in the counsel of the wicked ones, and in the way of the sinners shad not stood, and in the seat of ridicules has not sat.  But his delight is in the law of Jehovah, and in his law he reads in an undertone day and night.  And he will certainly become like a tree planted by streams of water, that gives its own fruit in its season and the foliage of which does not wither, and everything he does will succeed. “
That is what I choose.  Think please of all the people that we can influence if we just live this.  That foliage can stretch to cover so many, providing help and love.  Everything he does will succeed!  That is what you want, and that is what I want. 

To accomplish this, I ask you just let go.  Or rather, allow me to let go easily.  Become silent.  I no longer wish to hear you version of things.  I choose the new version.  I will always thank you for starting the process, but it is now time for me to shine, and allow the love of Jehovah and people into my life, and allow it to become a beautiful beacon in this world like a glorious tree in the summer time, reflecting all that light for others to enjoy.”

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March 6, 2012 · 6:47 pm

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